Perspective: When Trust is Turned into Ammunition

When you meet a new person, you don't know everything
about each other. It is not possible.

As you get to know one another, you begin to reveal
pieces and parts of yourself. You reveal your history.
You reveal your weaknesses, your insecurities. You
get comfortable, and the other person gets to see the
"real" you.

That can be the beautiful thing about expressing yourself,
and getting to know another. There is something quite
wonderful and freeing about being able to express
yourself, without your guard up.

What isn't so beautiful is when you in that moment of
trust confide something about yourself or your history
only to have the other person come back at a later time
and use it as ammo when they see an opportunity.

Even worse, is when the other person uses the
knowledge in a way that s/he might even claim as
helpful or beneficial to you - often by seemingly
kicking you while you are down. More times than not
the LAST thing we need to hear is another's assessment
of us in what is likely already an argument or disagreement.

How often is someone likely to mention something that
is seemingly "wrong" with you when everything is going OK?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/tscarlisle/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

The next time you are upset about something, and are
tempted to "use" some information about the other consider
the following:

1. Are you being defensive? Are you "pointing" at them as
a way of not looking at yourself?

2. Do you really think the person will "hear" what you are
saying if you point to something sensitive for or about them
when you are in the midst of a heated conversation?

3. Are you looking to hurt someone because you feel hurt?

4. Do you really think you are being helpful? Then consider
if there might be a better - less charged - time to address
the issue(s).

5. Do you really think you are being helpful? Does this
person want to hear what you have to say? Have they
"invited" you to address this issue? If not, odds may be
pretty good s/he will not be in a position to appreciate
what you have to say.

Arguments are bad enough without the additional stress
and heartache of the pain of feeling a betrayal of trust that
addressing sensitivities at the wrong time/in the wrong
way can bring.

Consider that you may think you know why a person is
acting as they are, but also consider that you haven't got
a clue. Many times what we think the issue at hand is
has nothing to do with what is really going on.

The world is a much better place when we have people that
we can trust and confide in, and when someone does that
with us, the best thing we can do for them is appreciate
the gift they've given us and respect them and the
information shared.

If you suspect the issue might be the issue, consider that
you can give them what they might need in the moment
as a result of the issue. For instance, maybe there is a
certain reaction because the person feels a lack of love.
Pointing out that they react that way, or that they feel a
lack of love is potentially unhelpful. What could be helpful
is to find a way to have that person feeling loved in that
moment.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of this type of
action, the best thing you can do is step back and see if
this might be what is happening.

If it is, then it might be helpful to let the other person
know that what s/he is doing is UNhelpful to you at that
time. If you really want to be generous, you can
acknowledge them for wanting to be helpful, but let
them know that you aren't in a place to appreciate it
at the moment.

I would truly like to think that most people don't set
out to hurt another, but that their own hurts and
defensiveness is what is speaking when they lash out.

When we love and trust another, it is a risk we take.
If we can recognize each other's humanity in moments
like this, it could make all the difference when it comes
to the outcome.

I am a great believer in expression. However, it would
be wise to consider what you say before you say it.
While words only take on the meaning that the receiver
brings to them, you can't take the result of their being
said back.

Sometimes it is wise to step back, and evaluate so you
can ACT vs. REACT. It is helpful to know when to walk
away. This is not to say to avoid the conversation, but
rather allow it time to breathe, so that the conversation
can be more productive. It is important to consider what
your goal is for the moment/for the conversation, and
where you are coming from. Is it a place of love? Or
somewhere more spiteful/hurtful?

In the heat of the moment we often are going to wind up
defensive (and defensively attacking), while the real issue
is standing in the corner watching and, as a result, remain
unaddressed and unresolved ready to appear another day.

Perspective Short: Elizabeth Alraune - On Loneliness

Are you alone, and feeling lonely, and
thinking that a relationship would be
an answer for that feeling?

Consider this:
I was lonelier in a bad relationship
than I have ever been by myself.

- Elizabeth Alraune

World of Perspective Radio: Tony Vear (Returns)

Love: A State of Mind and A Way of Life

Is the way it has been, the way it will always be? My guest Tony Vear would say that within every situation, within every moment, within every person, love is present, waiting to be acknowledged.

His perspective has the potential to leave you feeling inspired and full of hope. Come and join our conversation. Questions welcome. To submit questions ahead of time, email radio@a-world-of-perspective.com.

The Show is Tonight 7PM/PT. To listen, click player on the left of this blog, or visit world-of-perspective-radio.com.

Here are excerpts from our first show:

World of Perspective Radio: Dave Rudbarg

Excerpts from World-of-Perspective-Radio.com
with Dave Rudbarg - Relationship Coach / CoachMeDave.com
Is it Ever Too Late to Have a Great Relationship?
Enjoy!

A Perspective on Perspective

Tonight there is going to
be a full moon that
will look HUGE.
Some will think that is
larger than usual
by its appearance.
If you want some more
info about the actual event,
click here.

It got me thinking about
my favorite subject,
(you guess it!)
perspective.
In one dictionary
perspective is defined as
"view or vista."

I thought it an interesting
definition to focus on in
this context. After all,
it is a literal something
that is being viewed, and
the view - the perspective -
that we will have will be
interestingly skewed.

Someone who knew nothing
about the so-called "reality"
of the moon and its size
could very likely argue
that the moon is larger
than normal tonight. Without
anything to say otherwise,
who would disagree?

That is the way perspective
is sometimes. Sometimes we
view something, and believe
that it is exactly as we
view it to be, because we
have nothing to support a
belief otherwise. Then,
one day, someone, or something
comes along, and gives us
something else to consider,
and we realize that maybe what
we considered "fact" - ie
the moon is larger than normal
sometimes - is actually an
illusion.

Interesting to note, one dictionary
definition of illusion is
"an erroneous mental representation."

I am not usually one to describe
things in a manner of
"right" or "wrong."
However, if I was going to,
it would be in the context of
what "works" or "doesn't work."
(If it doesn't work, then it would
be "wrong.")

Errors tend to, by definition be
"wrong." In this case, I would suggest
that the "erroneous mental representation"
would be that thing that is having
you feel in some way compromised.

The next time you are in the midst
of something that seems wrong,
perhaps consider that the situation
isn't as "large" as it seems to be,
and consider that maybe there are
some other facts, as yet unknown.
Become aware of the "reality" that
you are arguing for.

If you can take the effort to attempt
to realize a different perspective,
it might be worthy thing to do. In the
end you might feel a heckka of a lot
better.

Recently I was speaking with someone
who had been in a relationship. While
it was good, he was so very happy.
Then, one day, quickly and abruptly
it was over.

He didn't understand it. He knew the
few reasons she had given, and despite
my best efforts to give him a different
perspective, he clung to the conclusions
his perspective gave him - among them
that he wasn't good enough, and because
he had given all he had, and wasn't good
enough, he never would be good enough.

I attempted to explain to him that perhaps
his relationship life wasn't over. Maybe
he was 75% of the way there, and that while
he may not have been "good enough" for her
(which I question, but that is another
conversation) it was ONE person in a world
of many. At the time he was uninterested
in hearing what I had to say about it,
because he was focused on a different
perspective, one he seemed unwilling to
give up.

For some who are reading this, I am certain
you will identify. It hurts when a
relationship ends, especially when you
don't understand it, and especially when you
make it all about you, and your faults,
and inadequacies. I would never say to
point the finger at the other person without
considering your role in it, however, the
same applies in reverse. I would never
suggest that you totally point the finger
at yourself.

There are times in our lives that we must
make choices in regard to insufficient
information. He has a choice to make,
as we all do when a moment like this
appears in our life.

The choice we make will take our life in
a direction that is aligned with that choice.
Some would argue, "it's that I am being
real. I don't want to be delusional."

How do you know that you aren't being
delusional by the choice that you are making
that is having you feel miserable?

Even in the face of someone telling
you something about yourself, consider
that it is their perception which is
grounded in their perspective, their
version of reality, and it doesn't have
to be the one you choose for yourself.

Being caught up in others' realities is
something that often happens, and can be
quite difficult to release ourselves from.
However, if their "reality" doesn't work
for you, perhaps consider that in a "night
or two" you will see the same problem
in a different way. Just like when the
moon will seem to move away. And, when
that happens, you will be able to create
something different that works for YOU.

As a living, breathing human being,
perspective is like breaths we breathe...
there is always another one to be had.
And just like we consciously breathe
at times, we can consciously choose
a different perspective.

If only it was as simple as breathing
seemed to be!

Enjoy the moon tonight. It likely will
be beautiful. :-)

PS the definitions of the words,
came from www.dictionary.com.